The Courage to Change and Choose Differently

Yahoo! November is here, which means my favorite holiday is just around the corner -  Thanksgiving! Food & gratitude... the PERFECT holiday.  Every November I have a friend who posts his daily #thankfulfours on Facebook.  I don't post everyday, but I do have a daily gratitude practice (which I highly recommended for everyone). Right now I am especially thankful for:

1. Progress - the ability to recognize and appreciate how far I've come on my path.
2. Awareness - being able to notice when I'm having an intense emotional reaction or stuck in stinkin' thinkin'.  I know that I am not my thoughts or feelings. They are just one part of me.
3. Opportunity to choose differently - knowing that when I make a mistake I can learn from it and choose differently next time without wasting time or energy beating myself up.

This last one is a daily practice for me and is incredibly helpful because as long as I am breathing and growing, I am going to make mistakes - ESPECIALLY when I try something new.  I had a great chance to practice this recently while I was recovering from knee surgery.

For the first 4 days after knee surgery in September, I chose to go to my mom's house to recover. It made sense. My mom had the time at home and my dog could run around on the farm while I was off my feet.  In hindsight, I quickly realized it was because I didn't want to bother anyone else. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone new. That's a story my inner critic tells me sometimes - that I'm a burden when I ask for too much; when I'm being too human and I'm not worth it.

Prior to surgery, no less than six friends offered to help me during recovery.  They offered to bring food, walk my dog, drive me to physical therapy or just sit at my house while I slept so I wouldn't be alone.  My mom was a gem and did a great job with all these things, but I could tell it was all a little overwhelming for her. I quickly realized I had unconsciously chosen what was FAMILIAR (leaning on family) versus choosing to do things differently (allowing my friends to support me).  My friends were eager to help me and would have been more than capable (and honored) to do so. But that would have meant a new level of vulnerability and intimacy on my part that didn't seem necessary at the time.  Thank goodness for that awareness and chance to be brave and choose differently next time.

Why do we do that? Why do we choose familiar even when it's not the best choice; when it's sometimes unhealthy or even painful instead of choosing to do things differently?  These choices can be anything: health habits (what you eat, drink, how you move or don't move);  ways of thinking about yourself or the world; who you spend time with;  how you speak to people and yourself; or any habit you'd like to adopt (meditation, flossing, positive affirmations). Here's why: 1. Doing things differently takes more effort than doing things the same way. 2. Contrary to popular belief it takes a big dose of self-compassion, not just discipline, to do things differently. 3. You must be aware that you are making these choices. Many choices don't feel like choices because you have done them literally all of your life and doing it differently isn't even on your radar. Let's break it down.

1. Doing things differently takes more effort. Every time we do something the same way (a choice, a thought, an action, a feeling, a reaction), the neural pathways from body to brain and back again get strengthened until eventually they become HABIT and take very little effort (walking, driving, feeling guilty, eating and drinking). It's so easy. Doing things differently takes great effort even if it's something you REALLY want to do and in some cases may greatly enhance (or even save) your life.  You have to think about it, plan for it, and then do it  over and over again until eventually the new thought, feeling, action, or reaction becomes a habit.

2. Choosing differently takes lots of self-compassion, not just discipline.  There is definitely freedom in discipline, but I believe that self-compassion is more important when learning to do things differently. Think about it. How likely are you to try something new if you know when you mess up even a little, someone (your inner critic) is going to emotionally and intellectually beat the crap out of you for not being perfect immediately.  Because of this (conscious or not) sometimes you don't even try. How would it be different if you had a supportive partner (your inner mentor) cheering you on, holding your hand, and being incredibly understanding when you are not perfect on your first (or 50th) try? Self-compassion helps you be curious when you fumble. "I wonder why that happened? How could I do that differently" versus "You are a loser who can't do anything right. Don't even bother. It's too hard. People will laugh at you."

3. Before any changes are made, you must be AWARE that any of this is going on. Some thoughts, feelings, choices and habits are so ingrained in you that you don't even know they are there.  To become aware you need mindfulness - slowing down; breathing; getting off auto-pilot; noticing what's going on within and around you. Mindfulness is a must for any type of personal growth or transformation. Period.

Now that you are armed with the why, HOW do you start? Mindfully. Pick ONE thing to change at a time. Have patience with yourself. Recruit support! Whether you choose a friend or professional, the chances of making changes in your life greatly increase with support. Increase your self-compassion through loving-kindness meditation. Practice mindfulness every day.

I'd love to hear from YOU.  What change have you made recently and how? What else do you want to do differently? What's stopping you? What do you find helpful when making changes?  How has your life been different? Please share your thoughts and ideas in the comment section below. As always, please let me know how I can support you on your path! You got this!