For all the beautiful healing women, still searching, still trying to quiet that voice....

The mother wound is very much alive.

It’s dark and penetrating, sometimes creeping up from some long-denied place inside, while other times barrelling at us full-speed, with ferocity and little warning.

For some, the wound appears deep burgundy-black; for others, piercing blood-red. For still others, it may appear as a myriad of haunting, pervasive colors, filling the deep wells of our soul and its broken places with its unnerving presence.

This mother wound—the embodiment of painful energy once carried by our maternal ancestors, passed down through us for generations and lifetimes—affects each one of us in different ways. Few can say their maternal lineage didn’t experience painful loss, persecution, abuse, rape—even murder. Few can say these collective energies don’t pool into a current-day ache deep in our bellies, in the very wombs that are the givers and receivers of life, leaving us with widespread physical aching, stabbing pains, unsolvable worries, pelvic syndromes, mental fatigue, confusion, fear, and hidden shame.

Read the rest on Elephant Journal

Has anyone ever lied to you? How did it feel?

Have you ever lied? How did that feel?

I won't guess how either of those felt for you, but I will bet that you answered 'yes' to the first and third questions. I would venture to say very few humans reading this have never told a lie or been lied to at some point in their lives. I mean, we did all have parents of some form or another.

I lied recently and I was surprised as anyone when the fib flew out of my mouth so readily.  I have been consciously making an effort NOT to lie for many years now. I was "busted" rather quickly and the person on the other end was hurt, understandably so.

Besides my own experience, lying (and trust) has come up a lot lately, both with clients and in personal conversations. Is my employee lying to me?  Why wasn't soandso truthful about that silly little thing? How come I never feel like soandso is giving me the whole story? We're also seeing a boatload of lies and coverups coming to light in the media. It's all around us.

People lie for countless reasons. One of the most popular being "I didn't want to hurt the other person" which most often translates to:

"I want to avoid the conflict that I believe telling the truth would cause".

More on that later.

To rationalize lying, we tend to break them down into degrees of severity. There are the big "OMG, I can't believe he said that, bald-face lies"  all the way down to the "little-bitty, teeny-weeny white lies" we tell about something minute. And don't forget the "omission of truth", that's not quite a lie, but we know it may lead someone to believe something that isn't true.

Lying. Is it ever okay?

It's amazing how during this time of year filled with people, parties, cheer and celebrations, we can often feel more alone than ever. In fact, it's not unusual to numbly bulldoze our way through the holidays (and most of the other 11 months) with a forced smile, acting like we are fine, fine, fine.

However, underneath it all we feel overwhelmed (and guilty about feeling overwhelmed) spending our energy trying to feel the way we think we are supposed to feel, saying the things we think people want to hear, doing things we think people want us to do and then judging ourselves for doing it all wrong.

It's exhausting and painful.

It's heavy and lonely.

​Or more aptly titled, Learning to Sit with Discomfort So We Can Finally Let it Go.
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Do you remember playing hot potato when you were a kid? You'd be in a group and whenever you thought the thing might be coming your way, you got ready. You tensed up. You narrowed your focus. You zoned completely in on the thing. You stayed on high alert. Whenever the thing came your way, you did everything in your power to get rid of it as fast as possible. Because if you were too slow and got stuck holding the thing when the music stopped, you were OUT and nobody wants to be out.
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Thanks to a interview I watched with Glennon Doyle Milton recently, I realized this is exactly how most of us learn to handle uncomfortable feelings, pain, discomfort and difficult situations in our culture.  We spend a boatload of time and energy anticipating the thing coming, all rigid and suited up in our armor. We constantly live in fear of it getting too close and when it actually does, we bear down and then toss it away from us as quickly as humanly possible.

Now we obviously can't be blamed for this (partially joking) because this was taught to most of us by example. My dad (rest his sweet soul) was notorious for waiting until the last 15 minutes of a 5 day trip together to drop whatever bomb or bad news he had to share. It was also taught by default, meaning we were never taught how to sit and just be with and process uncomfortable emotions or situations in a loving and compassionate way.

But why doesn't the hot potato method work? Well, it does work if the sole goal is to never feel uncomfortable. However, we all know by this point that discomfort and pain are part of the journey. And when we can get to the other side of them we are stronger, life is richer and we feel more connected to ourselves and whoever else is involved.

Because here's the thing. Whatever you are trying to get rid of... it's a part of you. Whether it's temporary or permanent, it is a part of you and your path and it is where you are right now. Which means it's essentially OK.  EVERYTHING that's going on with you, no matter how uncomfortable, scary, painful or embarrassing it feels, is OK. You are truly accepted and loved by the universe, God, Mother Nature, Love, (insert your higher power here), no matter what's going on with you. You are also loved and cared for by your tribe and there are people who need you EXACTLY how you are.

Take a few deep breaths here and know this is true.

I always have clients and friends asking me how to get rid of something ugly or uncomfortable in their lives (negative voices, bad habits or uncomfortable feelings). I applaud them for being willing and ready to make changes in their life. However, lasting change rarely occurs how people think it does. If we focused solely on getting rid of the thing, it would be immediately replaced with another thing and the vicious cycle of never feeling OK would remain.

So, what is the fastest way to get rid of something we don't want in our lives?

Stop needing to get rid of it so desperately and learn to ACCEPT it!

I know. I know. It's not the answer you were looking for and it can even seem counter-productive. But think about it. What if we could finally accept all the parts of ourselves? I'm not saying we have to love it or even like it. But if we can learn to look at it, bear it, have it over for a cup of tea and truly accept it as part of ourselves, we would begin to feel some of the peace and freedom we are looking for by trying to ditch the thing in the first place. And THEN we can start to unwind, unravel, diffuse or let go gracefully and with much less effort.

I'm not saying we should all just give up now, accept our lot in life and never try to be better or any happier. What I am saying is if we bravely decide to go one step deeper and stop treating parts of ourselves like hot potatoes and being so disgusted by them, we can then create the space and compassion needed to heal and feel truly OK no matter what. Only then can we make changes from a very deliberate, intentional and conscious place. That my friends, is where the true peace, love and freedom really exists.

What does that look like?

Awareness - Become aware of what you are afraid of; what you are resisting; what you want to get rid of like the hot potato. Notice when you become tense or your inner critic is on overdrive. Notice when, how and by what you are being triggered. Write it down. Describe it.

Self-Compassion - Once aware, we must cultivate self-compassion to be able to sit with whatever the thing is and truly accept it. Again, we don't have to like it, but when we can truly accept it and everything else about ourselves, only then does it have a chance of ever being transformed.

Releasing Shame or Trauma - Sometimes true acceptance can be inhibited by trauma from the past or deeply rooted shame that is stuck somewhere in our psyches and bodies. For this, we may need to reach out for the professional help of a therapist, spiritual guide, healer or anyone trained in this type of release work.

Letting Go (vs Pushing Away) - This is a natural unfolding to the surrendering of acceptance. Once we truly accept whatever it is, it will naturally begin to dissolve and have less power over us. The answers will start to reveal themselves because we'll finally be seeing the situation with a softer, kinder and much broader lens. We will start to look at things from a perspective of curiosity instead of judgement and everything will begin to align.

If during any part of this process (and it IS a process) you begin to feel the urgency, desperation or rigidness of needing to get rid of something immediately, just stop. Take a deep breath. Remember your OK-ness. Remember you are loved and supported and strong. Remember that there is NOTHING that is in you that is wrong or ugly. It's just what is. And that's cool. Because you are cool. Whether you believe or not, you are. You are more than cool. You are awesome and beautiful and courageous! And there are people in this world who really need you exactly the way you are... right this second. Like right now!
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So, DO YOU! BE YOU! Be all of you! And know that I am with you every step of the way. We are all in this together, my friend. Peace!

I felt an inkling of that urgency when I turned 40. It was a combination of urgency (Get out of my way. I'm 40 now and I don't have time to be jerking around with situations or people who don't jive with what I'm doing and where I'm headed) and a sense of empowerment. (I've been alive for 40 years now. I've been through some serious stuff and have lots of wisdom to show for it. I no longer need to give a freak what other people or this society thinks of me. I've got lives to change!)

But, one year to live... that is urgency on a whole new level. What would I do?
Then I got quiet and it came to me.

I would start shouting from the rooftops for every woman who is hiding because of shame, to come together so they could all see that they weren't alone.

I would tell them all how beautiful and strong they are. I would tell them it wasn't their fault and even if it was, they have been forgiven. I would tell them they deserve to forgive themselves.

I would tell them to cut the bullshit. The world needs them and we will no longer tolerate the shame that society lays on us or we put on ourselves.

I would desperately plead with them to stop wasting their gifts and energy wishing they were something they are not. Because what they are, no matter what that is, is beautiful, valuable and worthy.

I would point to our current leadership and political climate and beg them to get their faces, talents, and energy out there. Because if they haven't noticed... we need their hearts and minds OUT THERE.

I would scream all of this because I know what it feels like. I've been there. I've worn the masks. I know the pain and anxiety that's caused from shame and hiding.  I know the fear, self-loathing, dread and heaviness that comes with living in shame. It freaking sucks and it's the saddest WASTE of time, energy, love, beauty and precious life I know. I also know that I'm not the only one who's been there. I can say all this because my wounds have healed into scars and from those scars I can love and serve from the bottom of my heart.

So, instead of waiting for some dreaded prognosis to tell me I only have one year to live, I am begging and pleading with women NOW.

Dear WOMEN:

Stop tolerating shame in your life. Stop justifying it. Stop hiding it.

Start talking about it. Ask for help. Get support.

Bring whatever IT is into the light so it can no longer have so much power over you.

You have suffered enough.

You don't need to beat yourself up any longer.

You can handle this. The world can handle this.

The world and your tribe need you just as you are.

No one is expecting perfection but you.

We can't change the past. All we can do is live, learn, love and serve now.

We can heal. You've already healed.

I know it might feel like the scariest thing in the world, but you can do this.

You are not alone. You are never alone.

We are all in this together.

So, when you see me out there on my freedom rampage against shame, feel free to join in. The more voices the better. And in case no one has told you recently (or you just haven't been listening):

I see you. I hear you. I love you just the way you are, my friend.

And I really want to know.

What would you do if you only had one year to live?

How many times have you caught yourself or noticed others, upon receipt of an amazing acknowledgment or well-deserved compliment, saying things like, "Oh, that was nothing" or "I didn't do that much. So-and-so should get all the credit" or any other form of a rebuttal?

Have you ever been offered a glass of water, cup of tea, help with the groceries and immediately said (or thought), "No, don't bother. I don't want to burden you."?

Why is it so freaking hard for us to accept and receive? Why is it so difficult for us to let goodness in, especially when underneath all the "no thank you's", many of us are praying for the very things that we're refusing (love, acceptance, acknowledgement)?

We are givers. Whether born that way or learned behavior, most of this tribe are serious givers. We know how to give care, guidance, love, attention. We know the sacredness of giving; of being of service; of offering unconditional love; of being supportive to friends and family. We are excellent at giving.

But giving is only one half of the equation.To keep in the natural flow of life we must learn to RECEIVE in addition to giving. If all we ever do is give, give, give we get out of whack; out of balance and we can also secretly become resentful towards those to whom we give.

But most of us aren't so good at receiving. Actually, lots of us suck at it.

We have become masters in the art of the deflection, rejection, refusal, rebuttals - all in the name of some confused humility we were taught very early on in life. We were told: Be humble. Don't be cocky or selfish. Don't be conceited. Don't be too full of yourself.

But rejecting a compliment doesn't make us humble. It's actually pretty selfish. Gracefully receiving what another human is offering us isn't conceited. It's sacred.

How the heck did we get like this?

Conditioning - It started as external conditioning; messages from our families and society. With the best of intentions, our community and care givers wanted us to grow up and be humble, not boastful. Eventually though, those external messages become our internal beliefs. Unfortunately for some, those beliefs got twisted from "I shouldn't accept a compliment or praise" to "I must not deserve praise or attention"  or "I must not be worthy".

Trust - Sometimes we just don't trust people to tell the truth or to offer things without strings attached. We don't trust their judgment.  We may think, "If they think I'm fantastic, what's wrong with them?" or "If they are offering something to me, they must want something in return".

Control - Some people are worried about receiving "too much" because the scales will be tipped and we will "owe" something. Then they are no longer in control of or able to "manage" the relationship.

Any of this sounding familiar? Ouch, right?

How is this hurting us?

1. In addition to NOT experiencing the joy of receiving what is being offering,  we are actually blocking the connection with the person who is offering. When we block the connection with one person, we block the positive ripple effect that connection has on the community and world.
2. We're also knocking ourselves down a notch every time we do it. When we choose to reject goodness we're reinforcing the message that we don't deserve what's being offered. We must not be worthy of it.  Those negative messages stay in our body and can cause emotional upset, internal conditions and dis-ease.
3. Also, when we refuse someone, we are selfishly denying that person the amazing gift of giving. We all know how it feels when we're able to give something to someone that they really need or want. When we see how happy, grateful and lit up they are from our gift, it feels really good. When we refuse gifts, we're denying that person the gift of giving.

So what if we could receive gracefully? What if we could hear a compliment and instead of deflecting, we could just stop, breathe, let it sink in and say "thank you"? What if we could do that without feeling guilty, selfish or obligated to immediately repay the compliment?

What if we could just receive and let it be?It would be great. It would help us feel more connected with those around us. It would help us feel more in the flow. We could breathe easier, be more peaceful, feel lifted up and supported, be able to offer acknowledgements and gifts more readily to others.

Ready to receive? If you are still having a hard time with the prospect of gracefully receiving, remember that it isn't just about you. Think of what receiving does for the other person and the positive ripple effect that the flow and connection have on the community and the world. Refusing to receive keeps us isolated and small.

Your homework this week is to practice. Practice receiving. When you find yourself in a situation where someone is offering something, become aware of your tendency to deflect. Stop, breathe, consider if it is something you really want. If it is, say "Yes. Thank you." and really let it sink in.  Essentially, receiving is just another form of being mindful.

We can also practice receiving from ourselves. If you find yourself in a situation where you're being very hard on yourself. Stop. Breathe. Think of what you would say to your best friend if they were in the same situation. Record the words. Write them down or just think them in your head and then offer those to yourself and RECEIVE. Practice receiving the love, kindness, acceptance and encouragement that we so easily give other people. Practice receiving that for yourself.

In A Course In Miracles it says to HAVE anything it must be GIVEN to others. Things must be shared to grow and extend out into the world. The more we give the more we have. The more we receive the more we have. Let's gracefully learn to let others give to us so we can all stay in the flow and increase the abundance in the world.

Because if I haven't told you lately, you're worth it. You're loved. You deserve all the goodness that you want in this world and that the world is trying to offer you. Receiving is not selfish. It's sacred.
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Listen. Breathe. Receive. Repeat.
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Even before society got its hands on us, many of us learned the 'necessity' for control at an early age. Some people grew up in loud, chaotic, unstable households. Some had to deal with the stress and tension of painful things 'under the surface'... things that weren't being said. Either way, if our outside environment (parents, house, siblings, community, school) felt out of control (unsafe), we learned to control as much as we could in our immediate environments (relationships, physical space, grades, self-talk) so we would feel safer. Depending on factors like gender, family role and personality, each individual's penchant for control could develop in different ways. Some people become loud and outwardly controlling, wanting to control people and situations with power and money. Some are more subtle or tend to focus on controlling environments, energies, moods and relationships.

No matter how or why we learned it, our tendencies for control can often get 'out of control' and be detrimental to our lives.

As adults, the vast majority of us are fundamentally safe in the world. We have our own power. We have resources. We can speak up for ourselves. No one needs to tell us what to do anymore. We are fundamentally OK. We have developed into functioning, contributing, smart, healthy adults. We can make our own decisions. We can change anything in our lives at any moment. We are safe.

Yet, most of us never un-learned the need to control what's not ours to control.It's not surprising. As we grow up into good consumers, most of society, media and advertising reiterates the message that we don't have power; that the world is not safe; that we need someone else to decide for us; that we need to buy this or do this or be this or hate this to be OK.

So, our neurological wiring for control has only strengthened into adulthood. But, at what cost?

Pain.

Control suffocates us. It makes us feel anxious and overwhelmed. Our bodies get tight and constricted. It feels like we are chronically busy, attempting to manage every minute detail of every situation. Control feels like unrest, dis-ease, struggle, disconnect.

Control keeps us from really listening to or seeing people and situations as they truly are because we already have a predetermined idea of how things SHOULD be.

Control is the illusion that if we hold on tight enough, we can keep all of the moving pieces in all of the 'appropriate' boxes.

And don't forget the WORRY, which is the world's greatest illusion of control. If we worry enough about something or someone enough, it will ultimately change the situation.
How has this worked out for us so far?

Not so great, huh? Controlling takes a lot of energy. It consumes us. We become obsessed. It's an addiction. It impedes the natural flow of life. It inhibits us from growing. It inhibits those around us from growing. It stops us from taking risks. It prevents us from showing up as who we really are. It keeps us in our armor.

So, why do we keep doing it?

Fear.

We have some insane belief that if we let go, even for a second, it will all go spiraling out of control and our world will completely fall apart.

You know what?  It might... for a moment. Or it might not.

We know from physics that if we constrict a force for too long or with too much pressure, that energy must go somewhere with that equal pressure. So, yes, there might be an explosion or a little chaos once we start to let go, but only temporarily. Then it will level out. Life will begin to flow naturally and normally again.

And if the natural flow of the universe isn't incentive enough to let go of our grip, how about the promise of greater peace, more freedom, better health, well-being, living with more ease and joy? How would if feel to be more connected with everyone in your life? Sound worth it?

Be willing. Be mindful. Be aware. Be brave. Practice. Notice.

Create boundaries and uphold them.

Feel more and think less.

Be grateful. Be forgiving. Be loving... to yourself and everyone you know.We are all in this together. Everyone is going through something. No one has it all together. We're really not supposed to.

Ask for help.
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Remember who you are:  A beautiful, divine, loving, spiritual being having a human experience... just like everyone else.Also, you don't have to give up any of your dreams, goals, desires and plans. But, learn to leave space for magic and uncertainty. Learn to trust and let go once you've set the wheels in motion. (I swear it won't kill you.)

The truth is the universe is a loving and safe place. The more often we look for evidence of that, the more often we'll find it. You can do this if you want. You are deeply worthy - not because of anything you've accomplished, but simply because you are you. This work has a ripple effect. The people around can't help but be affected by your bravery. When you let go, you allow and inspire others to grow and let go as well, which only brings more peace, ease and freedom to the whole world. Now, get out there and LET GO!

The practice of gratitude and savoring leads to a happier, more positive disposition which leads to better health.

The practice of compassion (for self and others) leads to a greater sense of connection, peace and less anger.

The practice of meditation leads to a clearer, more focused mind with less monkey chatter.

The practice of being financially responsible leads to the freedom to go on vacation or get a new tattoo every year without going into debt.

The practice of regular exercise and movement leads to a more flexible, happier, moveable body that’s free from pain.

See the connection?

I know that none of these practices are easy, but when we are motivated by self-love instead of fear, they are much smoother and more sustainable. We must, however, start somewhere and practice… every day. That’s why it’s called a practice. No one (but ourselves) is expecting perfection when we first start. Often, the most difficult step is starting.

Once you’ve started here are 3 helpful tips to keep you going.

1. Have realistic expectations, especially when starting out. Baby steps and bite size chunks are key.
2. When you fall off the wagon or don’t meet your expectations, have compassion for yourself. There’s no need for judgement, just get back up and start wherever you left off.
3. Get support! The likelihood of achieving any goal in a vacuum or surrounded by negative or unsupportive people is very low. Recruit people who are inspiring, who already have a healthy practice and/or who are truly committed to helping you become the best version of you possible.

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You got this and you deserve all the love, peace, ease, and freedom you can imagine!